"awkward" and "anger"

are two states i rarely, and i mean rarely, find myself in. i see very few situations "awkward" (ie the silence at the end of a topic in a conversation doesnt, walking the same way as someone else and nearly running into each other doesnt, etc)  and i experience very little anger-- not much gets me down. today for some reason i experienced these both to an extreme.

after realizing i had signed up for an 8am class in the city that is 45 minutes away i switched into one on the right campus that had already begun two days before i signed up. meaning i had missed two days of instruction, so trying to be an on-top-of-it-student i made it to my new class ten minutes early... to an empty classroom. across from the door was a bench with a guy sitting on it who ever-so-gently asked "math 4?" with excitement that someone might actually sociable i answered yes and that led us into a quick conversation of the class, teacher, and if we needed the book, etc.

well for me i like to be as close as possible to someone when i talk. its subconscious. i dont realize that when you take a step back during our conversation i take a step toward you. i dont realize that i am 2 inches closer to you by the end of our conversation. i dont realize that i am practically laying over the table when you talk to me. so- with that said i subconsciously decide to walk from the opposite wall to possibly sit on the bench with this guy. as i get near it i realize and self talk to myself saying- "eh. that could be weird for him" so i stand, i would say sort of awkwardly by the bench, still talking. note: i am not feeling awkward yet. our conversation dies a bit... and i ask him his name and tell him mine. silence.

a girl walks up, whispers in his ear and grabs books that are sitting right next to him. girlfriend. i assume. he stands up and grabs her. yep, girlfriend. she lays her stuff down and full on hugs him, kisses, and giggles all of this occurring with an arms length distance from me. practically i could lean in and join without much effort.

uh... what do i do? i look at my phone for a few seconds and thankfully someone had went into the classroom at that point and i followed. thank you, couple for making me feel totally awkward.

anger. i had my fair dose my senior year of high school and it is a raging emotion. i hate it. it dictates your thoughts, motivations, and your heart. what happened today was only a glimpse of that kind of anger. but i was angry. and i mean angry.

my afternoon/night class had let us out 45 minutes early and i had plans to sign up for a gym membership at the reccenter after class. this was the perfect time. i turned down the road that was called the same as the reccenter. that makes sense right? welll i had found myself down a ways, further than i had remembered from last time, and did a u turn-- back up to the main road-- did another u turn... and then found myself on the opposite side's main road. without spotting the reccenter.

so i go around the entire neighborhood and then finally found the correct street. once i pulled into the parking lot. i got out my license, my military id, and my car registration (two forms of id and two proofs of residency). i go in .. to a not friendly face who says she needed the things i listed above. noticing that my car registration and my license addresses matched, but the names didnt. my car registration had my dad's name and my address (which is the same). i show her that on my military id i am still a dependent (meaning i still live with him even though i am over the age of 18). she will. not. accept. it. 

okay here is the thing. i had driven for 30 minutes to get to the stinkin reccenter. and then on top of it, i could understand if she had to scan my proofs or something to that extent. but no the form just says to check what proofs were seen.

heres to tomorrow...

emotions.

life goes fast. so fast. months, weeks, hours, days. seriously i feel like i had just gotten out of my first semester of college thinking i have all the time in the world to do my favorite things. this break will be so great and go by so slow. sleeping when i want and shopping-- you get the idea. well here i am 3 days before my spring semester begins. where did that month just go? gone! so fast. i have gifts and pictures to show... but what sticks most were the emotions. kind of like most situations. i am really in tune with my emotions. which sucks 95% of the time. here are some i recall over the last month of break.

excitement of having 5 weeks laid out in front of me of no school.

frustration after babysitting for 4 out of 7 nights of the week for the first two weeks.

thankfulness during christmas with my sweet family.

eagerness while watching reactions of my gift receivers.

embarrassment while realizing how many friends i did not make time for this break.

jesus in so many ways at passion 2011.

laughter in a eleven hour ride back from atlanta.

behind considering that i am testing into my math three days before classes begin.

creative while i made 15+ journals for friends and family.

cold with 15 inches of snow.

trapped after 4 days of 15 inches of snow.

blessed while being with brayden, jeremy, and bri.

joy when waking up to my favorite worship blasting out of my ihome.

simplicity eating my moms homemade oatmeal for breakfast.

wishful thinking of doing something like this.

prayerful for 1 peter 3:3-4 would be true of my life.

conviction of living for my own joy.

its crazy to me how many emotions we feel in a day. an hour. sometimes a minute. but it is just as crazy to me how much we push them away too. and how much we shouldnt. because it makes us who we are and how we are. and if we know our selves we will be able to serve others better. so i challenge you- pay attention to your emotions. youll soon learn to use your heart instead of your head. which will change almost every relationship.