dear me... a year ago.

stop worrying. stop wishing. stop thinking so hard. today isn't that big of a deal. you wont remember what you ate today, what he said on Facebook today, or the discomfort of every outfit you tried on. you will remember the heartache of loosing a best friend but you wont remember much details a year from now...two years from now, three years from now. you'll actually be able to look at him with happiness 8 months from now. stop searching for closeness with people. with friends, with family, with boys. don't look at what relationships other people have. he has that waiting for you. trust me. don't worry about going to tcc... verses james madison or christopher newport. good things are going to happen to you when you are there. growth beyond understanding is going to happen there. you're going to meet the best friends you've ever known there. laugh more and take things a lot lighter. classes aren't that big of a deal. say what you want to say... with grace and salt. he has it all figured out and will lead you where you need to go. ask for an emotional experience with god... he wants to hear your cry. he will hear it and give you the most absorbent tissue, thru that book next to your bed- thru friendships. he's going to provide. realize that your role is just to latch on and let him take lead. start observing your dad. he's going to be your best friend beginning your first semester of college. he is where you will find humanly affirmation and worth. but don't let him override your real father.

you're going to go thru a huge amount of stuff this year. don't fight it. you will grow in ways you never knew you needed to. the first two weeks Amie, you will go thru an emotional experience you have never experienced. abandonment and inadequacy will be what you feel. but its good to feel these, you need to realize how much your worth is based on others. and their approval of you. you will cry harder than you ever have cried in memory. but your lord will rescue you. that next morning he will fill you with joy and reminding you- "hey, I'm here... i know you, i am consistent and in control." you will feel peace from your lord for the first time-- because. you. have. asked. for. it. and he wants to give you what your heart needs.

you're going to have an addition to your family. a sweet baby boy. with some medical problems. thats okay. don't worry. you will have a peace thru that too. it will be a dark memory, and a day with no sleep but you will catch up. he will be a joy just to watch, to hold, to laugh with. he will also impact your family's faith in a minor way. don't underestimate how god works.

christmas time you're going to be a little dry. running on your own steam. seeing and hearing of friends experiences at colleges will be a little rough. but don't worry, once again... the lord has perfect timing. listen with joy and hear their experiences and growth! how exciting for them.

january will be a new year. a new start. you will experience god in a way you never have. you will feel like arms are wrapped around you... you will learn that in christ there is freedom. freedom amie! freedom. back to the laughter and taking things lightly... because he is in charge not us. have fun with life. dance in the street. sing with your windows down. once you realize this he's going to provide friendship like never before. remember all of those nights sophomore year you cried for a best friend? he's been preparing you and waiting till the best time for you. he's never early... but certainly never late. don't worry about sleep, about what you are going to eat, about what you are going to wear. just know that jesus is in you and that makes you free. without worry. without stress. he's in control, amie.

just remember thru those next few months leading up to now that you have found your worth in friendship before. just remember the how crucial it is to spend time with him. to ask him for help. to ask him for provision. for you to remember his provision. he's so good. be blessed and free in him.

so now, after all of that prideful searching for where you were going to go for school and who you were going to become you're headed to jmu. remember how thats been a desire since freshman year? remember how you got denied? remember how you got wait-listed? well, now he has opened the door. don't forget he goes before you. that your heart can rest. can be free in the journey. make new friends, impact a group of people, make a mark of jesus in that town. in those classrooms. this isn't on you. god carries your rocks, your weights, your worries. because 

he 

can

handle

it.

you? you just become an emotional wreck. he will restore your soul and asks you to rest in him to become made whole. 

19 candles...

monday morning i woke up... so happy and excited. i quickly had to remind my self that my birthday wasnt "today... but tomorrow" but i didnt deny the feeling great morning i was waking up to. it was my first time home in a whole week and 2 days. it was the first time i had woken up in my own house for a whole week and 2 days.

i woke up on tuesday, my actual birthday, groggy... and wanting to sleep more despite the sun peeking through my window, a few birthday texts from the early hours of the day, a voicemail, my dad whisper singing happy birthday to me an hour earlier, and my mom saying happy birthday from her bed room. why couldnt i have woken up the same as yesterday??

i silently got ready (sorry mom i wish i was more of a morning person) for my loved 8am class and headed off. thankfully i had a solid 7 minutes before class and so i decided to praynal (journal my prayers.. so write instead of speak-- god can read too) at the end of that i opened my phone to a sweet text from my close friend brook that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND:) i love you so stinkin much ames and i hope youre having a wonderful day so far and that you feel loved. You are loved by a God that does not disappoint and i hope that you feel cherished by Him and everyone around you today :)


i am loved by a god who does not disappoint.
WHO DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
w h o  d o e s  n o t  d i s a p p o i n t. 

my morning was flipped around. completely. who am i to not get every ounce of my joy from this god who cherishes me? hello amie! the little things i was slightly disappointed by that morning...-the more sleep i wanted- the hotter i wanted my shower- the more time i wanted to get ready- the warmer i wanted it to be outside. if i would have (and really just would) look to him completely first i would feel the warmth and comfort of the only. thing. and i mean ONLY thing that will not disappoint in this life. (think about it- family relationships, friendships, relationships, food, expectations, technology, academics, etc)

so that reminder of what i have- what we all have- waiting for us to turn, look, and surrender to him- flipped my head completely. i felt so loved yesterday. i was crying at a majority of things people were saying to me, about me. it really was a sweet thing. my day led me to bww to have some yummy honey bbq boneless wings with my friends and line dancing at a country club. 

...thats another blog post for another time for now i hope that you might believe that it is worth it to maybe trust that 

you

are

loved

by

a

god

who

does

not

disappoint

...even when all else might. 

"awkward" and "anger"

are two states i rarely, and i mean rarely, find myself in. i see very few situations "awkward" (ie the silence at the end of a topic in a conversation doesnt, walking the same way as someone else and nearly running into each other doesnt, etc)  and i experience very little anger-- not much gets me down. today for some reason i experienced these both to an extreme.

after realizing i had signed up for an 8am class in the city that is 45 minutes away i switched into one on the right campus that had already begun two days before i signed up. meaning i had missed two days of instruction, so trying to be an on-top-of-it-student i made it to my new class ten minutes early... to an empty classroom. across from the door was a bench with a guy sitting on it who ever-so-gently asked "math 4?" with excitement that someone might actually sociable i answered yes and that led us into a quick conversation of the class, teacher, and if we needed the book, etc.

well for me i like to be as close as possible to someone when i talk. its subconscious. i dont realize that when you take a step back during our conversation i take a step toward you. i dont realize that i am 2 inches closer to you by the end of our conversation. i dont realize that i am practically laying over the table when you talk to me. so- with that said i subconsciously decide to walk from the opposite wall to possibly sit on the bench with this guy. as i get near it i realize and self talk to myself saying- "eh. that could be weird for him" so i stand, i would say sort of awkwardly by the bench, still talking. note: i am not feeling awkward yet. our conversation dies a bit... and i ask him his name and tell him mine. silence.

a girl walks up, whispers in his ear and grabs books that are sitting right next to him. girlfriend. i assume. he stands up and grabs her. yep, girlfriend. she lays her stuff down and full on hugs him, kisses, and giggles all of this occurring with an arms length distance from me. practically i could lean in and join without much effort.

uh... what do i do? i look at my phone for a few seconds and thankfully someone had went into the classroom at that point and i followed. thank you, couple for making me feel totally awkward.

anger. i had my fair dose my senior year of high school and it is a raging emotion. i hate it. it dictates your thoughts, motivations, and your heart. what happened today was only a glimpse of that kind of anger. but i was angry. and i mean angry.

my afternoon/night class had let us out 45 minutes early and i had plans to sign up for a gym membership at the reccenter after class. this was the perfect time. i turned down the road that was called the same as the reccenter. that makes sense right? welll i had found myself down a ways, further than i had remembered from last time, and did a u turn-- back up to the main road-- did another u turn... and then found myself on the opposite side's main road. without spotting the reccenter.

so i go around the entire neighborhood and then finally found the correct street. once i pulled into the parking lot. i got out my license, my military id, and my car registration (two forms of id and two proofs of residency). i go in .. to a not friendly face who says she needed the things i listed above. noticing that my car registration and my license addresses matched, but the names didnt. my car registration had my dad's name and my address (which is the same). i show her that on my military id i am still a dependent (meaning i still live with him even though i am over the age of 18). she will. not. accept. it. 

okay here is the thing. i had driven for 30 minutes to get to the stinkin reccenter. and then on top of it, i could understand if she had to scan my proofs or something to that extent. but no the form just says to check what proofs were seen.

heres to tomorrow...

emotions.

life goes fast. so fast. months, weeks, hours, days. seriously i feel like i had just gotten out of my first semester of college thinking i have all the time in the world to do my favorite things. this break will be so great and go by so slow. sleeping when i want and shopping-- you get the idea. well here i am 3 days before my spring semester begins. where did that month just go? gone! so fast. i have gifts and pictures to show... but what sticks most were the emotions. kind of like most situations. i am really in tune with my emotions. which sucks 95% of the time. here are some i recall over the last month of break.

excitement of having 5 weeks laid out in front of me of no school.

frustration after babysitting for 4 out of 7 nights of the week for the first two weeks.

thankfulness during christmas with my sweet family.

eagerness while watching reactions of my gift receivers.

embarrassment while realizing how many friends i did not make time for this break.

jesus in so many ways at passion 2011.

laughter in a eleven hour ride back from atlanta.

behind considering that i am testing into my math three days before classes begin.

creative while i made 15+ journals for friends and family.

cold with 15 inches of snow.

trapped after 4 days of 15 inches of snow.

blessed while being with brayden, jeremy, and bri.

joy when waking up to my favorite worship blasting out of my ihome.

simplicity eating my moms homemade oatmeal for breakfast.

wishful thinking of doing something like this.

prayerful for 1 peter 3:3-4 would be true of my life.

conviction of living for my own joy.

its crazy to me how many emotions we feel in a day. an hour. sometimes a minute. but it is just as crazy to me how much we push them away too. and how much we shouldnt. because it makes us who we are and how we are. and if we know our selves we will be able to serve others better. so i challenge you- pay attention to your emotions. youll soon learn to use your heart instead of your head. which will change almost every relationship.